13 September 2012
just smile, sunshine.
the longer you smile, the more my heart hurts.
just don't fall into indifference.
once, i loved it enough to invest two years of my life doing nothing but it.
once, i loved it enough to sign my financial future over to doing it.
i trusted myself to make it work. hurting everyday i don't put efforts towards making it work.
overwhelmed with guilt and overcome with homesickness.
as december tippy toes closer and closer, i feel the crushing weight of loan payment responsibilities. i think about my un-visited studio. i wonder what i'd be making if i'd never stopped. i wonder what i'll make when i start making again.
keep your chin up.
this isn't as good as it get.
07 September 2012
I have [most likely] no educational goals left.
As it stands, I head towards being an artist. And as that stands, it's about unstable as a wine glass in the back of a pick up truck driving down Durkee Road in my hometown. yes.
I've made some major life changes and decisions. Some of which I said I'd never do. On her 21st birthday, my sister and I got tattoos together of our grandmother's handwriting. A few days previous to that, I bought a bike.
Getting a bike has been the best decision of 2012.
It's the ultimate freedom that I don't think I have ever experienced. When I was a kid, I'd spend so many minutes of the summer on my bike. However, it was different; I had a very short leash, since my mom was the over protective type. Buying a bike now hasn't been a source of entertainment, though it's now one of my favorite things to do - it was like buying my next car. I sold my car last year, and have been relying on public transit ever since. Talk about a short leash! Nothing but absolute frustration and anger, surrounding every trip. Matilda (as I've decided to name my Schwinn road bike) has become a permanent installation in my life, I feel an ultimate sense of freedom. When I am on her, cruising down the street, I feel like I'm flying. I'd like to go forever. To be able to jump on her, and go anywhere - fast...Matilda has come at the perfect time. It's a freedom I really needed right now.
25 June 2012
summer time has come with small, intermittent breaks from busy life. my job is feeling more natural, and less stressful in various ways. however, it's time consuming and exhausting. for the first time, i'll be glad when summer is over. my second job will end in august, and i feel i'll be able to move steadily in the direction of a newly-formed studio practice.
i have various things to look forward to -- a girls night next week, a weekend trip to d.c. in july, and a much needed week in myrtle beach in august (this one still rather pending).
i took a short day trip to the beach on friday. it was gorgeous, and peaceful, and perfect. scanning the ground on my walk, i saw so many amazing things. i can lose track of time most easily on a beach - whether it's trying to take every inch in on a walk, or drifting off to sleep as the waves crash. it was a nice recharge, and i look forward to my next ultra-mini-pocket-sized-vacation.
31 May 2012
no more sleep walking
no more baggage
I feel there's so much I carry with me; maybe from a past life, maybe engrained in me by parental figures. I am done with the ritualistic and nearly automated responses to everything in my life.
I take responsibility for my actions, however, I don't fully understand why I have the equal emotional reactions to similar situations. Jealousy, bitterness, hatred, ill-will.
Like in my yoga practice.
No more going through the motions, sleep walking, aware-less-ness.
Intention and response and awareness all of the time. Exhausting my mental faculties, if necessary.
Considering emotional or irrational responses. Understanding and accepting that I am only human, and breaking bad habits takes time and practice. Offering myself options of how to respond. Practicing patience.
Something I talk about a lot recently. It makes me feel good. As if I don't need to have everything [or anything] figured out. Maybe not now, maybe never. Maybe someday. Still, allowing a margin.
Ceasing to live in a patterned state, blindly following the circle I've trampled down in the grass. Moving towards the outer edges of my emotions and cognitive awareness.
29 May 2012
I've completed my first day of training at my first post-school job. Honestly, I was terrified. But the people (my potential co-workers, if I make it through all the training) are very nice.
It's my first job with out an end in sight. I know it can be temporary, and I can keep looking for a more "applicable job", but I had my heart set on never working in a restaurant again. When I start thinking about getting a job or committing to a job, I start feeling a little panic-y and claustrophobic. I jump right into "how do I get off?...I have family in Connecticut, can I go see them at Christmas time?" - nearly completely pointless things to worry about. However, feeling sick of missing out on an evening social live, due to my coincidental work hours - I think that is totally acceptable to be concerned about. I have a good feeling about this place though. The manager is wonderful. And it helps to have a friend starting there too. It's nice to have someone working with you in the exact same position. Coming from the exact same place. Literally.
So, it's not the end of the world. This is a transitional point, and it's really amazing to have a support system so close. I'm grateful for my new studio-mates, and my friend, who's become my coworker.
28 May 2012
2 - get [semi] degree-appropriate job
3 - paint my house
4 - get Summerly bikini wax...guh.
5 - spend a few days a the beach
6 - start making jewelry again
7 - start selling wallets locally
8 - sustain beautiful garden; grow a ton of basil
9 - visit D.C.
10 - do/ make :: yoga/studio
(list inspired by R. Clark)
25 May 2012
I was exhausted at the end of graduation weekend, and as I've explained, the couch and left overs became my life (for about 3-6 days anyway). This meant left over artichoke spinach dip, chips, crackers, creme brulee, and sangria. Hah! What a combination.
I am a person who easily falls off a routine, if others aren't counting or depending on me. This is what happened. I stopped caring for myself. I ate crap, I stopped going to yoga and even my water intake went way down. Two weeks of that, and my body is back where it started 3 months ago. I don't doubt that it will take very little time to move back to feeling good and looking slimmer. It is bothersome that I let it happen at all.
I went to yoga yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks. This morning, my body is aching. My abs, my shoulders, my arms - uggg...I plan on going again on Saturday morning. If I've never mentioned it before, the yoga studio I go to is great. The teachers are wonderful, it's large, clean, very affordable, and it's hot (maybe the best part). Check it out if you live in the Philadelphia area. Any way, my point is, Thursday morning instructor, Marcie, always pushes the hardest. She is a very calm and matter-of-fact instructor. Just do it. There is something about the tone of her voice that always makes me try a little harder or hold on a little longer. I am big on yoga instructors reminding you to honor your body and staying within in your limits. I don't know if I don't need to be told this any more, or if I just know if to be fact (in case I need it), but she doesn't say his very often and I like it. Don't give me an excuse not to, because I probably won't.
I made a produce run after yoga yesterday morning. It makes all the difference; having fresh fruits and veggies in the house, and I always do. - Except for the past 2 weeks! - but no more. I am getting back to my morning green tea, and three meals a day, and yoga, and studio. The two things I want to be able to support in my life, post-grad, are my two practices: yoga and studio.
I believe that environment does a lot for your mental state and motivation. I am not making excuses, however, I can feel a definite change in the flow in my house since the studio crap intake.
I know what effects my life, and what I need to do on a daily basis to be clear minded and moving forward. I must always be moving forward, not back. Blogging is a tool I am also starting to use [again], in order to have some accountability for myself and my thoughts. I turned to blogging right before I graduated with my BFA and it helped. This blog has been with me for that long, and I look back with some embarrassment. However, it's a good catalogue of my life, and I love it for what it is.
Oh, and ps, tomorrow's the day I move in to new studio! :)
23 May 2012
21 May 2012
It's a life style commitment. Not a hobby, not a phase. I have to make it work, no matter how many odd-jobs I have to take.
*top photo curtesy of Ruth
16 May 2012
There is less to look forward to than I realized, and more alone time than I anticipated.
I have very specific ideas about what I want as a money-making time-filler. I feel as though I have at least a few months before I have to re-evalute them.
I've been submitting applications to dream-jobs (full-time art teacher at a local Friends School), spending lots of time formulating convincing sentences about my teach philosophy, and making the corner spot of my L-shaped couch a little squishier.
Today, I spent a few hours tearing apart and packing up my studio 813 at PAFA. It felt like I was putting down a pet, or saying good bye to a friend. Forever. My heart is heavy, but I know there's so much more right around the corner. The option of a shared studio space has me caught between emotions - excitement and fear (of not being able to afford it).
I'm not a self-starter. You'd think with all this down time I would have gotten all my house painting done, deep-cleaned the wood floors and jumped back into my exercise regiment.
My family-friend graduation weekend was spectacular. I was terrible - terrible - at taking pictures, but family and friends with awesome-er cameras stepped up. I've collected a few pictures from the opening and the weekend.
[I always get really upset when I have visitors, and realize that we didn't take enough pictures while they were here.] ...OH well, move forward :)
Thanks again for photos from Rachel, Rafael and Ruth!
Looking forward to tomorrow, and the options it's going to bring :)
29 April 2012
26 April 2012
20 April 2012
04 April 2012
As much as cadmium runs in my veins, and as much as I talk about painting, I reject it as my primary medium.
I do not call myself a painter.
I do not believe in being a single disciplined artist.
It doesn’t offer me everything I need when I think about making.
It’s like saying I’m a chef, but I will only cook with tomatoes. You can do an awful lot with tomatoes, but not enough.
I believe in creating in a coincidental way, staying alert for potential, and reflecting or editing after making.
03 April 2012
Waiting and slow, slow learning how to be alone, and edit, and analyze. Practicing the art of keeping myself grounded and objective, when outside of the making process. It will be the same as when I am here in my Cherry Street studio. The solitude will echo for longer periods of time, but it won’t last forever.
We are never truly on our own. We aren’t like sea creature which are born and immediately subjected to life or death by virtue of luck or being in the right or wrong place at the right or wrong time. Then again...maybe we [artists] are subject to that level of natural selection?
19 March 2012
I find myself interested in the body, distortion, discomfort and societal expectations of the body image [typically female]. Confusion and ambiguity work in tandem to encourage a “visual sustainability” about my pictures.
I retain an intense curiosity between interiority and exteriority, which play a role in my thing-making as well; capturing table tops or legs, crevasse or bulges.
29 February 2012
21 February 2012
13 February 2012
full video, in progress