13 September 2012

up hill both ways

keep your chin up buttercup.
just smile, sunshine.

the longer you smile, the more my heart hurts.
just don't fall into indifference.

once, i loved it enough to invest two years of my life doing nothing but it.
once, i loved it enough to sign my financial future over to doing it.
i trusted myself to make it work.  hurting everyday i don't put efforts towards making it work.  
overwhelmed with guilt and overcome with homesickness.

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as december tippy toes closer and closer, i feel the crushing weight of loan payment responsibilities.  i think about my un-visited studio. i wonder what i'd be making if i'd never stopped.  i wonder what i'll make when i start making again.


keep your chin up.
this isn't as good as it get.

07 September 2012

re-arrangment

Life is about as new and unexpected as it has ever been for me.

I have [most likely] no educational goals left.
As it stands, I head towards being an artist.  And as that stands, it's about unstable as a wine glass in the back of a pick up truck driving down Durkee Road in my hometown. yes.

I've made some major life changes and decisions.  Some of which I said I'd never do. On her 21st birthday, my sister and I got tattoos together of our grandmother's handwriting.  A few days previous to that, I bought a bike.

Getting a bike has been the best decision of 2012.
It's the ultimate freedom that I don't think I have ever experienced.  When I was a kid, I'd spend so many minutes of the summer on my bike.  However, it was different; I had a very short leash, since my mom was the over protective type.  Buying a bike now hasn't been a source of entertainment, though it's now one of my favorite things to do - it was like buying my next car.  I sold my car last year, and have been relying on public transit ever since.  Talk about a short leash!  Nothing but absolute frustration and anger, surrounding every trip.  Matilda (as I've decided to name my Schwinn road bike) has become a permanent installation in my life, I feel an ultimate sense of freedom.  When I am on her, cruising down the street, I feel like I'm flying.  I'd like to go forever.  To be able to jump on her, and go anywhere - fast...Matilda has come at the perfect time.  It's a freedom I really needed right now.